Excessive Force

I just have to say that I have absolutely nothing against law enforcement. I try to follow the rules so I don't have to be involved with an officer but any time that I am I comply and have always been on my way with no issue. But obviously we don't all live on the same place or same skin. I appreciate all of the law enforcement agents and officers who risk their lives on a daily basis to protect and serve their community and respect them and the badge they wear. There are thousands of police officers in this country and a few bad ones that have been brought to light recently; and by bad I mean, either poorly trained, poorly supervised, angry, have a superiority complex, or what ever the issue is....I don't care. It is ridiculous the amount of police related deaths that are happening. If your life is not being threatened why are you using such harsh force. This brutality has got to stop. I do understand that it isn't all kitties and rainbows out there and force will be required in some cases, use of your firearm will be necessary, harming or killing a perpetrator will be necessary...I get it and agree that IT IS NECESSARY IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES. But why was Troy hog tied face down? Actually I don't even care that he was hog tied to subdue, why was he transported to the hospital face down still hog tied? Why was his family told he was ok then told he was dead an hour later? I get that he wasn't complying and some force was needed. Fine. But why is he now dead and a family heartbroken? Whay was Sandy Bland forcibly pulled from her car? She did absolutely nothing wrong. The police officer was looking for an altercation. I have been watching the videos and speculation on her feath and in my opinion it is a coverup. To much evidence. To all of the good cops out there, we see you...keep up the great work and thank you for your service. To the rest of you, I hope you are off the streets as soons with swift force and punishment.

Twincess Christmakkah

So we are traveling home after spending over a week in Pittsburgh. Traveling over 12 hours each way with 6 month old twins wasn't as rough as I thought. I was petrified thinking and planning for this trip. What do i bring, what don't I bring, how are these girls going to handle being in the car for 12 plus hours? Needless to say I brought every outfit that the girls fit into. However I brought one little suitcase for myself. Once you have kids it is more about them looking cute than mommy looking cute. Lol. No one was looking at me when they see our gorgeous girls. Oh...and the girls are quite possibly the best travelers in the world. So there was nothing to worry about.

What I am worried about now, on the way home, is how sad my husband was to leave his childhood home and head back to Memphis. He misses his home so much, even though he hasn't lived there in 10 years. It makes me feel so bad that I am so rooted in Memphis and don't think I could ever move. Of course you never know what will happen but I have no plans of going anywhere.

Hopefully we can visit PA more often and he can get his fix more often and not dread leaving Pittsburgh to head back to Memphis. The girls jad a great time with Grandma and recieved lots of great presents...and we still have a whole other celebration with my family when we get home. Happy Holidays.

Thanksgivukkah!!!

So my husband's mother and her boyfriend drove in from Pittsburgh on Tuesday. We had not told them the good news so I was kind of on egg shells, especially since I have been off my Lexapro for a few weeks and am a little irritable...and exhausted. I get a little cranky about the smallest of things now. For example; empty cups being left by house guests on the sunroom table (put them in the damn sink) or a house guest spending over an hour in our bathroom (which we only have one in the house). These things would normally be a drop in the bucket, but being hormonal and off my meds...it was difficult not to say anything. I have been walking around daily wanting to rip off faces due to my irritability but I have totally kept myself in check. Thankfully this is family so I love them...and no ripping off of the faces would be happening. Good thing is it was only for 2 days and we spilled the beans at dinner last night to my parents, his mom and her friend, my sister and niece. This news was intended to be met with cheers and hugs, but all we got was a little congrats. My mom already knew so it wasn't crazy news to her and my father offered his congratulation and asked questions. He even talked to my step-siblings about it when they all spoke last night. My mother-in-law on the other hand just said congratulations and moved on to another topic of conversation. In the years that I have known her she has never been an overly excitable or emotional person, but I though we'd get a little more out of her. On the car ride home my husband asked her if she was excited and she replied in the positive and we chatted a little about it. I guess it is too early to expect much though. I am only 6 weeks (and 2 days, lol) I am getting really impatient for our first ultrasound on Dec 11th. Less than 2 weeks til I get to hear this little cashew's heartbeat and know that everything is ok...or at least as ok as it can be. You never know what will happen or what chromosomes or ailments or missing parts there might be, but you have to hope for the best. I am trying to hope for the best but it is scary. That one little positive test has turned me into a worrier. I am already trying to figure out when I can start cleaning the office so the spare room can be moved into the office and we can start on the nursery. I know I shouldn't start the nursery until we get through the 1st trimester but I really want to start cleaning the office. Then of course I am worried about everythign that has to do with pregnancy, birth, parenting, our house, work...etc. This is probably a good indicator as to why I take Lexapro for anxiety and depression. But for baby sake I will be neurotic and crazy and irritable and anxious. But as soon as this sucker pops out, hello nurse. Give me my lexapro!!!

I've been waiting for you....

I got knocked up...and when I say this I don't mean that I had a crazy night, or didn't mean to...I full heartedly was trying to get pregnant. The Hubbs and I have been together for over 7 years and married for 4 years. When we got married we said that we would hold off on kids for at least a year. That first year came and went and with lots of unexpected issues, we waited. We waited and waited and waited and I purposefully didn't get pregnant. Then the time finally came when the planets and stars were aligned properly and things were about as much in order as they were going to get. I got off the pill this past spring with the plan of not trying to get pregnant until this summer. And then the trying began. While it was definitely fun...the monthly surprise from Mother Nature sucked. I am lucky that it only took 5 months, but still they were a rather long 5 months. It was like putting up a Christmas Tree or lighting the menorah and expecting the gift immediately...but it didn't come. Instead of days spent planning a nursery, or my next meal or hell...even throwing up and being nauseous, my days revolved around why I wasn't pregnant and what we were going to do differently next month. Finally, about a week and a half ago I couldn't wait (like always) to take a pregnancy test...early. I couldn't wait to miss my period or even until the day I was to start, I could only wait about 5 days before. Not that the test is completely accurate 5 days before but still, I am about as impatient as they come so I stopped at a Kroger Pharmacy on the way to my mom's to sit with my grandmother and bought a test. It was a EPT and as soon as I finished gulping my drink in the car on the way over and ran into the house the test was being unwrapped and peed on. I didn't sit and wait and watch for a line to appear, I walked into the other room...for all of about 30 seconds. When I went back I saw something I had never seen before...ever...a faint little line indicating that I was pregnant. I didn't believe it and even had to call a friend to make sure I wasn't crazy. That thin little barely there line. In the coming days I took 3 more tests just to make sure and every time there was a very faint line saying I was pregnant. Needless to say my impatient self was in the OBGYN office 5 days later getting complete verification and my first pregnancy workup and exam. I am Pregnant!!!! My life has only changed slightly in the last week and a half. It really hasn't sunken in yet that I am actually pregnant. I mean, I know I am, but it is still so surreal. I am going to be someone's mom. So far I haven't puked but hey, I'm only 5 weeks so far so you never know. I am hoping that child carrying is genetic because my mom said I was such an easy pregnancy and she was never sick. I was also born after only 3 hours in labor. A girl can dream right? I am excited to meet the little person on (or near) July 22nd, but first lets just hope for a heartbeat in a couple weeks.

The Sandwich Generation

So when I was in college we learned about the "sandwich generation". Although I am technically not the Sandwich generation, my mother is...and I help out. For anyone who doesn't know, the Sandwich generation are those who have not only raised their own kids, but are now taking care of their parents. There are different reasons why people choose to have their parents live with them. My mother's reason was 2-fold. First she couldn't bare to see what was happening to my grandmother mentally when she was in a home and secondly, my sister worked for my grandmother and she needed the income. In all of the craziness that occurred last year with my grandmother needing 24 hour assistance, I took on part of the responsibility of helping. In the beginning, and for about 6 moths, it wasn't so bad. I was more sad than anything. Even though my grandmother is in her mid-nineties she was pretty self-sufficient before she broke her hip. Now she is like a toddler. She has dementia and has crying fits and gets angry easily. At first I was here 5 days a week for a few hours a day and now due to my full-time job I am here 3 days a week in the afternoon. In the beginning I would sit with her and do her nails and we would joke around. Now it is getting rough. Everyday she gets upset about something...and usually this something is really nothing. Today I came over and she was perfectly calm watching some Lifetime movie with her helper. (As a side note, I do not know what we would do without the amazing ladies that stay with her at night. They adore her and really take amazing care of her.) The show ended and I changed the channel. For over an hour my grandmother has been yelling at me and crying. She yells to me to get out, or leave her alone...etc. This is not the first time or the last time this will happen. I know this is a tough situation to be in for all parties involved. I am not trying to say that I don't love her or that I wish I didn't have to help. Neither is true, I just hurt. It hurts me to see her mind going. It hurts me to see her upset and know that there is nothing I can do to make things better. I try to reason with her and ease her unhappiness, but nothing registers correctly with her. It is aggravating and wearing on me, but I try to hold it together. I try to do what I can, but some days I feel so bad. I feel like she hates me and I don't know what I did wrong...but I know she doesn't know what she is doing. I know there is no reasoning, I just have to leave her alone and let her calm down. The more I try to help when she is like this the worse I make it.

The ties that bind can cut off circulation

I love my family. We have been through a lot; marriage, divorce, births, drug abuse, moves, cheating, love.. etc. I adore my parents and my siblings, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles. But my sister...the one person who I am supposed to share my secrets with and supposed to have an amazing bond with...sucks. I think it stems from her being adopted...not that it makes me feel differently about her, but I think she feels less towards us. My whole life she has been "sensitive" and we all had to walk on eggshells. If I try to talk to her about something serious, she gets upset and storms off.
The smallest comment and she thinks I am judging her or that I think she is less than, but I don't. As a person she is different than me, but no better or worse. What sucks about her is the way she treats me. She acts like everything I say is a put down or that I am constantly trying to out-do, talk down or disregard her. If fucking blows. I want a sister who cares about me and loves me as much as I love her, but instead I have one that lies to me every chance she gets and acts as if she can't stand me. She even tells her husband that I don't like him. It creates a huge battle between us and them and it sucks. I am so tored of the unnecessary drama. I wish I had a sister that I wanted to call everyday and just shoot the shit with, but instead I fear the call that may come with biting words. Most of the time we are ok...and occasionally things are great, but at a time like this when things are all pear shaped because of her decisions regarding infidelity, why is she the one who gets to be mad at us? Maybe some day she will realize that I love her most of all and that I don't judge her...I only care about her.

Let's see...

So I haven't posted in a while but I have a lot to say. However I have no time at the moment. But I really need to discuss sex, lies, babies, friends...and no not all of them go together. Different discussions. I feel so frustrated and angry, but also happy and excited. There is so much going on inside and I really need to let some of it go. I don't feel like myself with all the drama around me. I am usually a very easy going person, but lately I just feel...full. Too full. I feel like I need a break to sort through all of the bullshit and get to the really important things. So hopefully I can sit down soon and flush it all out.