Thanksgivukkah!!!

So my husband's mother and her boyfriend drove in from Pittsburgh on Tuesday. We had not told them the good news so I was kind of on egg shells, especially since I have been off my Lexapro for a few weeks and am a little irritable...and exhausted. I get a little cranky about the smallest of things now. For example; empty cups being left by house guests on the sunroom table (put them in the damn sink) or a house guest spending over an hour in our bathroom (which we only have one in the house). These things would normally be a drop in the bucket, but being hormonal and off my meds...it was difficult not to say anything. I have been walking around daily wanting to rip off faces due to my irritability but I have totally kept myself in check. Thankfully this is family so I love them...and no ripping off of the faces would be happening. Good thing is it was only for 2 days and we spilled the beans at dinner last night to my parents, his mom and her friend, my sister and niece. This news was intended to be met with cheers and hugs, but all we got was a little congrats. My mom already knew so it wasn't crazy news to her and my father offered his congratulation and asked questions. He even talked to my step-siblings about it when they all spoke last night. My mother-in-law on the other hand just said congratulations and moved on to another topic of conversation. In the years that I have known her she has never been an overly excitable or emotional person, but I though we'd get a little more out of her. On the car ride home my husband asked her if she was excited and she replied in the positive and we chatted a little about it. I guess it is too early to expect much though. I am only 6 weeks (and 2 days, lol) I am getting really impatient for our first ultrasound on Dec 11th. Less than 2 weeks til I get to hear this little cashew's heartbeat and know that everything is ok...or at least as ok as it can be. You never know what will happen or what chromosomes or ailments or missing parts there might be, but you have to hope for the best. I am trying to hope for the best but it is scary. That one little positive test has turned me into a worrier. I am already trying to figure out when I can start cleaning the office so the spare room can be moved into the office and we can start on the nursery. I know I shouldn't start the nursery until we get through the 1st trimester but I really want to start cleaning the office. Then of course I am worried about everythign that has to do with pregnancy, birth, parenting, our house, work...etc. This is probably a good indicator as to why I take Lexapro for anxiety and depression. But for baby sake I will be neurotic and crazy and irritable and anxious. But as soon as this sucker pops out, hello nurse. Give me my lexapro!!!

I've been waiting for you....

I got knocked up...and when I say this I don't mean that I had a crazy night, or didn't mean to...I full heartedly was trying to get pregnant. The Hubbs and I have been together for over 7 years and married for 4 years. When we got married we said that we would hold off on kids for at least a year. That first year came and went and with lots of unexpected issues, we waited. We waited and waited and waited and I purposefully didn't get pregnant. Then the time finally came when the planets and stars were aligned properly and things were about as much in order as they were going to get. I got off the pill this past spring with the plan of not trying to get pregnant until this summer. And then the trying began. While it was definitely fun...the monthly surprise from Mother Nature sucked. I am lucky that it only took 5 months, but still they were a rather long 5 months. It was like putting up a Christmas Tree or lighting the menorah and expecting the gift immediately...but it didn't come. Instead of days spent planning a nursery, or my next meal or hell...even throwing up and being nauseous, my days revolved around why I wasn't pregnant and what we were going to do differently next month. Finally, about a week and a half ago I couldn't wait (like always) to take a pregnancy test...early. I couldn't wait to miss my period or even until the day I was to start, I could only wait about 5 days before. Not that the test is completely accurate 5 days before but still, I am about as impatient as they come so I stopped at a Kroger Pharmacy on the way to my mom's to sit with my grandmother and bought a test. It was a EPT and as soon as I finished gulping my drink in the car on the way over and ran into the house the test was being unwrapped and peed on. I didn't sit and wait and watch for a line to appear, I walked into the other room...for all of about 30 seconds. When I went back I saw something I had never seen before...ever...a faint little line indicating that I was pregnant. I didn't believe it and even had to call a friend to make sure I wasn't crazy. That thin little barely there line. In the coming days I took 3 more tests just to make sure and every time there was a very faint line saying I was pregnant. Needless to say my impatient self was in the OBGYN office 5 days later getting complete verification and my first pregnancy workup and exam. I am Pregnant!!!! My life has only changed slightly in the last week and a half. It really hasn't sunken in yet that I am actually pregnant. I mean, I know I am, but it is still so surreal. I am going to be someone's mom. So far I haven't puked but hey, I'm only 5 weeks so far so you never know. I am hoping that child carrying is genetic because my mom said I was such an easy pregnancy and she was never sick. I was also born after only 3 hours in labor. A girl can dream right? I am excited to meet the little person on (or near) July 22nd, but first lets just hope for a heartbeat in a couple weeks.

The Sandwich Generation

So when I was in college we learned about the "sandwich generation". Although I am technically not the Sandwich generation, my mother is...and I help out. For anyone who doesn't know, the Sandwich generation are those who have not only raised their own kids, but are now taking care of their parents. There are different reasons why people choose to have their parents live with them. My mother's reason was 2-fold. First she couldn't bare to see what was happening to my grandmother mentally when she was in a home and secondly, my sister worked for my grandmother and she needed the income. In all of the craziness that occurred last year with my grandmother needing 24 hour assistance, I took on part of the responsibility of helping. In the beginning, and for about 6 moths, it wasn't so bad. I was more sad than anything. Even though my grandmother is in her mid-nineties she was pretty self-sufficient before she broke her hip. Now she is like a toddler. She has dementia and has crying fits and gets angry easily. At first I was here 5 days a week for a few hours a day and now due to my full-time job I am here 3 days a week in the afternoon. In the beginning I would sit with her and do her nails and we would joke around. Now it is getting rough. Everyday she gets upset about something...and usually this something is really nothing. Today I came over and she was perfectly calm watching some Lifetime movie with her helper. (As a side note, I do not know what we would do without the amazing ladies that stay with her at night. They adore her and really take amazing care of her.) The show ended and I changed the channel. For over an hour my grandmother has been yelling at me and crying. She yells to me to get out, or leave her alone...etc. This is not the first time or the last time this will happen. I know this is a tough situation to be in for all parties involved. I am not trying to say that I don't love her or that I wish I didn't have to help. Neither is true, I just hurt. It hurts me to see her mind going. It hurts me to see her upset and know that there is nothing I can do to make things better. I try to reason with her and ease her unhappiness, but nothing registers correctly with her. It is aggravating and wearing on me, but I try to hold it together. I try to do what I can, but some days I feel so bad. I feel like she hates me and I don't know what I did wrong...but I know she doesn't know what she is doing. I know there is no reasoning, I just have to leave her alone and let her calm down. The more I try to help when she is like this the worse I make it.

The ties that bind can cut off circulation

I love my family. We have been through a lot; marriage, divorce, births, drug abuse, moves, cheating, love.. etc. I adore my parents and my siblings, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles. But my sister...the one person who I am supposed to share my secrets with and supposed to have an amazing bond with...sucks. I think it stems from her being adopted...not that it makes me feel differently about her, but I think she feels less towards us. My whole life she has been "sensitive" and we all had to walk on eggshells. If I try to talk to her about something serious, she gets upset and storms off.
The smallest comment and she thinks I am judging her or that I think she is less than, but I don't. As a person she is different than me, but no better or worse. What sucks about her is the way she treats me. She acts like everything I say is a put down or that I am constantly trying to out-do, talk down or disregard her. If fucking blows. I want a sister who cares about me and loves me as much as I love her, but instead I have one that lies to me every chance she gets and acts as if she can't stand me. She even tells her husband that I don't like him. It creates a huge battle between us and them and it sucks. I am so tored of the unnecessary drama. I wish I had a sister that I wanted to call everyday and just shoot the shit with, but instead I fear the call that may come with biting words. Most of the time we are ok...and occasionally things are great, but at a time like this when things are all pear shaped because of her decisions regarding infidelity, why is she the one who gets to be mad at us? Maybe some day she will realize that I love her most of all and that I don't judge her...I only care about her.

Let's see...

So I haven't posted in a while but I have a lot to say. However I have no time at the moment. But I really need to discuss sex, lies, babies, friends...and no not all of them go together. Different discussions. I feel so frustrated and angry, but also happy and excited. There is so much going on inside and I really need to let some of it go. I don't feel like myself with all the drama around me. I am usually a very easy going person, but lately I just feel...full. Too full. I feel like I need a break to sort through all of the bullshit and get to the really important things. So hopefully I can sit down soon and flush it all out.

I Once Was Lost...

I have amazing friends who introduce me to new and exciting things. We explore new restaurants and shops an find festivals and fun things to do all over town. My problem is that I become totally obsessed with something and spend, spend, spend. My husband and I have had discussions about my shopping, and the problem is not that I buy things, the problem is that I will obsess about a specific brand or designer...usually a horribly expensive one. I don't have any problem with spending money on a quality item, but lately I have spent money on 15 of something from the same designer or store. Now, I am not saying that I am over my Tory Burch or my Lululemon...what I am saying is that I am making a huge effort to not go shopping. I know plenty of people that can afford to buy all of the amazing things that I love, and 99% of them buy sparingly and make smart choices. For a few months, I became one of the 1% that just couldn't stand not checking out the new inventory and buying as much as possible. So what did that get me...a larger credit card bill and a closet with quite a few expensive items that I have never worn. I don't know what has finally brought me back to a normal existence...and by normal I only mean that I am actually trying to not go shopping or when I do, I find that I am looking at less expensive things like Toms. (And I am not buying 3 or 4 pair at a time.) I am thinking it is a mixture of events an life changes that finally did it. I have been working an obscene amount between 2 jobs and school, so I have no time to think and look at all of the amazing things I want, but also I think maybe I have remembered who I was and gained a little confidence. Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that I am pretty darn confident. I share opinions and ideas and have no problem having all eyes on me, but there is a totally self conscious part of me that I can't seem to get rid of. I am not saying that I have finally overcome my insecurities, but I am saying that I have been feeling a bit better about myself recently. I am not constantly looking at myself thinking that I am huge, or my face is puffy, or that my clothes are horrible. I have not spent as much time wondering why some of the amazing people I call friends, would even consider talking to me. There is still some time spent thinking about these things, but not quite as much. I feel better. I am not trying so hard to be worthy based on my clothes or things because I feel as though these things will make me look "better" to others. I have remembered who I was. I remember the girl who didn't talk about fat, calories and sodium. I remember the girl who was more comfortable in Chacos than Coach. The girl who covered her roof rack with stickers of amazing places because it made me feel good. It is also a good feeling having a decent amount of $ in the bank after bills are paid. Now, just to make sure you all understand...I still love the good stuff. I will not skimp on quality or what I want. I just don't feel like I NEED the $500 Tory Burch Pyramid Hobo so I can be a better person, I am a better person because I merely WANT the Tory Burch Pyramid Hobo and will save up for it...or maybe I will spend the money elsewhere. But the change in me is that I know I don't HAVE TO have it. I like me, my friends like me (G-d knows why) and my husband...he adores me (especially when I am not spending all my money on yoga pants).

Pros and Cons of 3-14-2013

Things that annoyed me today:
1. I am on day 2 of a 7 day straight work schedule (all opening shifts). This by itself does not annoy me, but having a co-worker call in for the second day in a row means that I was covering my department alone until 1pm. I understand if you just can't work, but if you are calling in because you had a non-cancerous spot removed on your back and the incision site hurts...please...wimp. But I totally understand that you need to rest, it just sucks not having help.

2. The person who did come in at 1 today, well...he...kind of sucks. Our schedules overlapped for an hour and I saw him for all of 10 minutes in our department. Which means I ended up staying an extra 30 minutes because he would rather socialize that work. I am all about chatting and having a good time, but do your job. Why am I the only one who seems to do anything around here? Sheesh.

3. A guy that I met through my previous employment at a vet clinic just acted like a total 12 year old. We were acquaintances due to my job and we had a religious bond...that's about it. Why do I get a text that says "Thanks for not calling me like you said you would. I'm erasing your number." Seriously? I am working 2 jobs and going to school on top of my home life. I am doing what I can not to stress and/or burn out with everything I have on my plate...and you want to squabble about a phone call? Please. So then I respond with why I haven't called (i.e. busy) and that I am not in the mood for this so I will erase your number as well. Good day sir. So what should be the end...is now an argument. Back and forth a few times to which I finally respond that he is adding too much shit to my day and that I am not going to feel bad about taking care of what I need to take care of in order to maintain my lifestyle and also better my life. To quote my amazing mother "uuuhhh....fuck you." (And yes, I do actually come from a wonderful mid/upper class family and we are not white trash...just open minded and opinionated, which justifies my "in the middle" lifestyle statement from an earlier post)

Things that made me happy today:
1. Working my ass off at work and proving that some people still have a good work ethic and are willing to work hard.
2. New Dansko shoes. So happy to have comfy work shoes!!!
3. The biggest hug and "I love you" from my Nana.
4. Having the most amazing and sweet husband in the world. Not that he did anything different today than any other, he is just awesome.
5. Puppy kisses (dogs really but when they are yours...they are always babies)

The day after...

This has never in my life happened before. After enjoying mimosas with the BFF, I came home to chillax for the rest of the evening. I spent quite a few hours in bed catching up on some real housewives and really didn't feel like eating dinner. So I wake up for work this morning around 5am and after getting up and turning off the alarm clock I turn to exit the bedroom. Next thing I know I am on the floor in pain. Apparently I passed the fuck out. On my way down I somehow managed to fall on my dresser (thank you Nana for getting me amazing Ethan Allen dressers as a kid because they are seriously disaster proof) and do this to my poor back. OUCH. But because I am a superstar, I went to work and trudged on from 530am to noon. I rock. No really I do.

Sunday Funday

It is hard to realize what is going on around you when you are all of a sudden busier than you have ever been. For the last few months I have been so wrapped up in what I am doing and what I need to do that I have forgotten to relax and have play dates with my friends. Seeing one of my very best friends Saturday for what felt like the first time in months pained me so much. I know that is a weird feeling to have but that is how I felt. I was so sad that we hadn't seen each other for so long and that I have been too busy and tired to make the effort. I was so upset that I felt like I had no idea what was going on with her. So I did the only thing there was to do...Sunday funday with my bestie. We went to lunch and drank mimosas and got all caught up. Then we had a few more mimosas and shot the shit just for good measure.
Some days I look at my friends and wonder why the hell they are even friends with me. I am one of those crazy people that is totally extroverted and loves to talk and joke and have all the attention, but is also super self conscious. I look at these gorgeous and intelligent women who I am lucky to call friends and wonder what the hell they are doing with a chubby, goofy girl like me. I have always had this underlying fear that I am never good enough. That I am always the one people pity and put up with or just have around as a backup plan. But then my friends say something or do something so heartwarming and I realize that I am just being crazy. I love my friends because they love me for being me. For being brutally honest, silly, giving and totally marching to my own drummer. I may not be able to see them as much as I want or talk to them as much as I want, but I absolutely adore them and could never express how much they truly mean to me. What I can do however is drink mimosas and cherish every moment. Thanks for an amazing day :-)

Blue Toes

It doesn't look like it so much in this pic, but on my toes, OPI "Can't Find My Czechbook" looks like Tiffany Box Blue. Yummy.

Why tattoos and Tory???

In my 33 years I have always been a little of both. When I say a little of both, I mean that I have seen validity in both sides of most arguments. I do not however tend to be wishy-washy when it comes to how I feel about topics. It is just that in the broad scheme of things I am in the middle…or really that I have differing opinions…well…here is an example and you tell me the word for what I am.

I currently have 12 tattoos (and will definitely be getting more) and I love expensive things. I love Tory Burch shoes and bags. I love Lulu Lemon clothes. I love David Yurman jewelry. I love my 9 ear piercings, nose ring, navel and hood piercings. I love the purple (now kind of hot-pinkish) highlight in my hair. I love botox and facials. I love guns, motorcycles and old cars. I love getting my nails done. I love watching Steeler football. I love getting dirty. I love getting dolled up. So that is just a tiny iota of the craziness that I call me. There are so many other topics (such as the economy, religion, gun control, death penalty, etc…) that I am all over the place on.

So, the jest of me is that I like a little of everything and have random and unconnected feelings and views and opinions.

Vegan-ish

So on my quest to find my inner skinny bitch, I have tried everything over the years. I have tried Nutri-System, Medi-Fast, Weight Watchers, P90X and countless OTC diet meds. Nothing works. I am sure some people out there just need a little jump start and it can work for them...but my will power SUCKS! This is proven by my unflinching need to spend tons of money on ridiculousness. (i.e. Tory Burch) Over the past 3 months I have been taking an Rx called Adipex and one called Lipo-trim. The Lipo-trim helps in the breakdown of fats in the body and thus helps in weight loss, but does not cause a sudden drop in weight. Adipex on the other hand focuses on appetite. “Adipex-P (phentermine) is a stimulant that is similar to an amphetamine. Adipex-P is an appetite suppressant that affects the central nervous system.” I take Adipex because I have a self-proclaimed food addiction and the Lipo-trim is just an added bonus.

No, I am not dumb enough to think that a pill is the answer to my prayers. I do however know that the Adipex is curbing my appetite enough to make me snack less and be able to make better food choices when meal time comes because I am not dying of hunger by 5pm. I have dropped 12 pounds in 3 months with diet and yes…exercise. I wish I worked out more, but with 2 jobs, school, a husband, house and 3 dogs…you can say things are a little busy.

Let’s get on to the “Vegan-ish”. I have always thought that eating organic and clean was the way to go. But thinking and doing are 2 very different things. Taco Bell is just so damn good…I mean icky…love…hate. So over the past few months I have been inserting more organic foods into my diet. I drink light soy milk, eat kashi cereal, organic almond butter…etc. I did this because these foods are better for me, and quite yummy I may add. My best friend is having a rough go with migraines and has recently completely changed what she puts in her body…she went Vegan. I made fun a little because she orders veggie plates with no butter or oil when we go to dinner, but I know she was doing it in order to hopefully control her migraines. She has also dropped G-d knows how much weight without trying all that hard. So with her pestering me to try going Vegan to lose weight…I finally agreed. I am trying it for a month to see how I feel.

I say Vegan-ish because I am trying to be strict on the diet, but there will be a few things I let slide. I will continue to each fish and the occasional egg. I say this in hopes that it will be very rare. I have stocked my fridge and cabinets with vegan supplies such as soy crumbles, tofu and vegan noodle bowls.  However, there is the occasional egg in some things such as the Haman Tashen I couldn’t resist (see will power issues) and the gluten free whole grain pizza dough I made. I went all out at Kroger getting replacements for all of the things I love. I am on day 4 now and have tried quite a few new-ish things. Lol. The things I am most proud of are my dinner meals. Gluten free vegan-ish calzones on Tuesday and vegan sloppy joe’s with brown rice last night. I will post how to’s somewhere.