The ties that bind can cut off circulation

I love my family. We have been through a lot; marriage, divorce, births, drug abuse, moves, cheating, love.. etc. I adore my parents and my siblings, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles. But my sister...the one person who I am supposed to share my secrets with and supposed to have an amazing bond with...sucks. I think it stems from her being adopted...not that it makes me feel differently about her, but I think she feels less towards us. My whole life she has been "sensitive" and we all had to walk on eggshells. If I try to talk to her about something serious, she gets upset and storms off.
The smallest comment and she thinks I am judging her or that I think she is less than, but I don't. As a person she is different than me, but no better or worse. What sucks about her is the way she treats me. She acts like everything I say is a put down or that I am constantly trying to out-do, talk down or disregard her. If fucking blows. I want a sister who cares about me and loves me as much as I love her, but instead I have one that lies to me every chance she gets and acts as if she can't stand me. She even tells her husband that I don't like him. It creates a huge battle between us and them and it sucks. I am so tored of the unnecessary drama. I wish I had a sister that I wanted to call everyday and just shoot the shit with, but instead I fear the call that may come with biting words. Most of the time we are ok...and occasionally things are great, but at a time like this when things are all pear shaped because of her decisions regarding infidelity, why is she the one who gets to be mad at us? Maybe some day she will realize that I love her most of all and that I don't judge her...I only care about her.

Let's see...

So I haven't posted in a while but I have a lot to say. However I have no time at the moment. But I really need to discuss sex, lies, babies, friends...and no not all of them go together. Different discussions. I feel so frustrated and angry, but also happy and excited. There is so much going on inside and I really need to let some of it go. I don't feel like myself with all the drama around me. I am usually a very easy going person, but lately I just feel...full. Too full. I feel like I need a break to sort through all of the bullshit and get to the really important things. So hopefully I can sit down soon and flush it all out.

I Once Was Lost...

I have amazing friends who introduce me to new and exciting things. We explore new restaurants and shops an find festivals and fun things to do all over town. My problem is that I become totally obsessed with something and spend, spend, spend. My husband and I have had discussions about my shopping, and the problem is not that I buy things, the problem is that I will obsess about a specific brand or designer...usually a horribly expensive one. I don't have any problem with spending money on a quality item, but lately I have spent money on 15 of something from the same designer or store. Now, I am not saying that I am over my Tory Burch or my Lululemon...what I am saying is that I am making a huge effort to not go shopping. I know plenty of people that can afford to buy all of the amazing things that I love, and 99% of them buy sparingly and make smart choices. For a few months, I became one of the 1% that just couldn't stand not checking out the new inventory and buying as much as possible. So what did that get me...a larger credit card bill and a closet with quite a few expensive items that I have never worn. I don't know what has finally brought me back to a normal existence...and by normal I only mean that I am actually trying to not go shopping or when I do, I find that I am looking at less expensive things like Toms. (And I am not buying 3 or 4 pair at a time.) I am thinking it is a mixture of events an life changes that finally did it. I have been working an obscene amount between 2 jobs and school, so I have no time to think and look at all of the amazing things I want, but also I think maybe I have remembered who I was and gained a little confidence. Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that I am pretty darn confident. I share opinions and ideas and have no problem having all eyes on me, but there is a totally self conscious part of me that I can't seem to get rid of. I am not saying that I have finally overcome my insecurities, but I am saying that I have been feeling a bit better about myself recently. I am not constantly looking at myself thinking that I am huge, or my face is puffy, or that my clothes are horrible. I have not spent as much time wondering why some of the amazing people I call friends, would even consider talking to me. There is still some time spent thinking about these things, but not quite as much. I feel better. I am not trying so hard to be worthy based on my clothes or things because I feel as though these things will make me look "better" to others. I have remembered who I was. I remember the girl who didn't talk about fat, calories and sodium. I remember the girl who was more comfortable in Chacos than Coach. The girl who covered her roof rack with stickers of amazing places because it made me feel good. It is also a good feeling having a decent amount of $ in the bank after bills are paid. Now, just to make sure you all understand...I still love the good stuff. I will not skimp on quality or what I want. I just don't feel like I NEED the $500 Tory Burch Pyramid Hobo so I can be a better person, I am a better person because I merely WANT the Tory Burch Pyramid Hobo and will save up for it...or maybe I will spend the money elsewhere. But the change in me is that I know I don't HAVE TO have it. I like me, my friends like me (G-d knows why) and my husband...he adores me (especially when I am not spending all my money on yoga pants).

Pros and Cons of 3-14-2013

Things that annoyed me today:
1. I am on day 2 of a 7 day straight work schedule (all opening shifts). This by itself does not annoy me, but having a co-worker call in for the second day in a row means that I was covering my department alone until 1pm. I understand if you just can't work, but if you are calling in because you had a non-cancerous spot removed on your back and the incision site hurts...please...wimp. But I totally understand that you need to rest, it just sucks not having help.

2. The person who did come in at 1 today, well...he...kind of sucks. Our schedules overlapped for an hour and I saw him for all of 10 minutes in our department. Which means I ended up staying an extra 30 minutes because he would rather socialize that work. I am all about chatting and having a good time, but do your job. Why am I the only one who seems to do anything around here? Sheesh.

3. A guy that I met through my previous employment at a vet clinic just acted like a total 12 year old. We were acquaintances due to my job and we had a religious bond...that's about it. Why do I get a text that says "Thanks for not calling me like you said you would. I'm erasing your number." Seriously? I am working 2 jobs and going to school on top of my home life. I am doing what I can not to stress and/or burn out with everything I have on my plate...and you want to squabble about a phone call? Please. So then I respond with why I haven't called (i.e. busy) and that I am not in the mood for this so I will erase your number as well. Good day sir. So what should be the end...is now an argument. Back and forth a few times to which I finally respond that he is adding too much shit to my day and that I am not going to feel bad about taking care of what I need to take care of in order to maintain my lifestyle and also better my life. To quote my amazing mother "uuuhhh....fuck you." (And yes, I do actually come from a wonderful mid/upper class family and we are not white trash...just open minded and opinionated, which justifies my "in the middle" lifestyle statement from an earlier post)

Things that made me happy today:
1. Working my ass off at work and proving that some people still have a good work ethic and are willing to work hard.
2. New Dansko shoes. So happy to have comfy work shoes!!!
3. The biggest hug and "I love you" from my Nana.
4. Having the most amazing and sweet husband in the world. Not that he did anything different today than any other, he is just awesome.
5. Puppy kisses (dogs really but when they are yours...they are always babies)

The day after...

This has never in my life happened before. After enjoying mimosas with the BFF, I came home to chillax for the rest of the evening. I spent quite a few hours in bed catching up on some real housewives and really didn't feel like eating dinner. So I wake up for work this morning around 5am and after getting up and turning off the alarm clock I turn to exit the bedroom. Next thing I know I am on the floor in pain. Apparently I passed the fuck out. On my way down I somehow managed to fall on my dresser (thank you Nana for getting me amazing Ethan Allen dressers as a kid because they are seriously disaster proof) and do this to my poor back. OUCH. But because I am a superstar, I went to work and trudged on from 530am to noon. I rock. No really I do.

Sunday Funday

It is hard to realize what is going on around you when you are all of a sudden busier than you have ever been. For the last few months I have been so wrapped up in what I am doing and what I need to do that I have forgotten to relax and have play dates with my friends. Seeing one of my very best friends Saturday for what felt like the first time in months pained me so much. I know that is a weird feeling to have but that is how I felt. I was so sad that we hadn't seen each other for so long and that I have been too busy and tired to make the effort. I was so upset that I felt like I had no idea what was going on with her. So I did the only thing there was to do...Sunday funday with my bestie. We went to lunch and drank mimosas and got all caught up. Then we had a few more mimosas and shot the shit just for good measure.
Some days I look at my friends and wonder why the hell they are even friends with me. I am one of those crazy people that is totally extroverted and loves to talk and joke and have all the attention, but is also super self conscious. I look at these gorgeous and intelligent women who I am lucky to call friends and wonder what the hell they are doing with a chubby, goofy girl like me. I have always had this underlying fear that I am never good enough. That I am always the one people pity and put up with or just have around as a backup plan. But then my friends say something or do something so heartwarming and I realize that I am just being crazy. I love my friends because they love me for being me. For being brutally honest, silly, giving and totally marching to my own drummer. I may not be able to see them as much as I want or talk to them as much as I want, but I absolutely adore them and could never express how much they truly mean to me. What I can do however is drink mimosas and cherish every moment. Thanks for an amazing day :-)

Blue Toes

It doesn't look like it so much in this pic, but on my toes, OPI "Can't Find My Czechbook" looks like Tiffany Box Blue. Yummy.