I Once Was Lost...

I have amazing friends who introduce me to new and exciting things. We explore new restaurants and shops an find festivals and fun things to do all over town. My problem is that I become totally obsessed with something and spend, spend, spend. My husband and I have had discussions about my shopping, and the problem is not that I buy things, the problem is that I will obsess about a specific brand or designer...usually a horribly expensive one. I don't have any problem with spending money on a quality item, but lately I have spent money on 15 of something from the same designer or store. Now, I am not saying that I am over my Tory Burch or my Lululemon...what I am saying is that I am making a huge effort to not go shopping. I know plenty of people that can afford to buy all of the amazing things that I love, and 99% of them buy sparingly and make smart choices. For a few months, I became one of the 1% that just couldn't stand not checking out the new inventory and buying as much as possible. So what did that get me...a larger credit card bill and a closet with quite a few expensive items that I have never worn. I don't know what has finally brought me back to a normal existence...and by normal I only mean that I am actually trying to not go shopping or when I do, I find that I am looking at less expensive things like Toms. (And I am not buying 3 or 4 pair at a time.) I am thinking it is a mixture of events an life changes that finally did it. I have been working an obscene amount between 2 jobs and school, so I have no time to think and look at all of the amazing things I want, but also I think maybe I have remembered who I was and gained a little confidence. Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that I am pretty darn confident. I share opinions and ideas and have no problem having all eyes on me, but there is a totally self conscious part of me that I can't seem to get rid of. I am not saying that I have finally overcome my insecurities, but I am saying that I have been feeling a bit better about myself recently. I am not constantly looking at myself thinking that I am huge, or my face is puffy, or that my clothes are horrible. I have not spent as much time wondering why some of the amazing people I call friends, would even consider talking to me. There is still some time spent thinking about these things, but not quite as much. I feel better. I am not trying so hard to be worthy based on my clothes or things because I feel as though these things will make me look "better" to others. I have remembered who I was. I remember the girl who didn't talk about fat, calories and sodium. I remember the girl who was more comfortable in Chacos than Coach. The girl who covered her roof rack with stickers of amazing places because it made me feel good. It is also a good feeling having a decent amount of $ in the bank after bills are paid. Now, just to make sure you all understand...I still love the good stuff. I will not skimp on quality or what I want. I just don't feel like I NEED the $500 Tory Burch Pyramid Hobo so I can be a better person, I am a better person because I merely WANT the Tory Burch Pyramid Hobo and will save up for it...or maybe I will spend the money elsewhere. But the change in me is that I know I don't HAVE TO have it. I like me, my friends like me (G-d knows why) and my husband...he adores me (especially when I am not spending all my money on yoga pants).

Sunday Funday

It is hard to realize what is going on around you when you are all of a sudden busier than you have ever been. For the last few months I have been so wrapped up in what I am doing and what I need to do that I have forgotten to relax and have play dates with my friends. Seeing one of my very best friends Saturday for what felt like the first time in months pained me so much. I know that is a weird feeling to have but that is how I felt. I was so sad that we hadn't seen each other for so long and that I have been too busy and tired to make the effort. I was so upset that I felt like I had no idea what was going on with her. So I did the only thing there was to do...Sunday funday with my bestie. We went to lunch and drank mimosas and got all caught up. Then we had a few more mimosas and shot the shit just for good measure.
Some days I look at my friends and wonder why the hell they are even friends with me. I am one of those crazy people that is totally extroverted and loves to talk and joke and have all the attention, but is also super self conscious. I look at these gorgeous and intelligent women who I am lucky to call friends and wonder what the hell they are doing with a chubby, goofy girl like me. I have always had this underlying fear that I am never good enough. That I am always the one people pity and put up with or just have around as a backup plan. But then my friends say something or do something so heartwarming and I realize that I am just being crazy. I love my friends because they love me for being me. For being brutally honest, silly, giving and totally marching to my own drummer. I may not be able to see them as much as I want or talk to them as much as I want, but I absolutely adore them and could never express how much they truly mean to me. What I can do however is drink mimosas and cherish every moment. Thanks for an amazing day :-)